Welcome to the Norman Church

Welcome to the inaugural edition of the Norman Church's newsletter. This is an important edition, as the church is beginning a campaign to protect traditional bicycle attire.

As we know from reading the scripture according to Norman, only bicyclists that nicely fill out a pair of cycling shorts and can order salads in French will be admitted to the Gates of Heaven. For those of you new to our church, please see the link below that describes the events surrounding Norman's witness to God.

Yet there are those among us that defile God's will. We see them every day riding their bicycles while wearing white shirts, ridiculously ugly ties, and dark trousers. Some have even been known to wear helmets with reflective Mickey Mouse stickers. You can always tell these abominations by the Godless literature they carry in their fully stuffed backpacks.

But the true sin occurs when no one is watching. They will hide behind rows of grocery carts in supermarkets and try to recruit our children to their lifestyle. Some of our brethren had even reported these cretins hiking their pant legs to expose young children to their white tube socks. Yes dear friends, they have an agenda, and it is Godless. Their sole mission is to morally and financially bankrupt our brothers and sisters working tirelessly in New York, Paris and Milan to bring the joy of style to the sidewalks and cafes of America.

Left to their own devices they would require the wearing of white Jockey shorts for all men and white cotton panties with padded crotches for all women. They would suck the joy out of God's universe.

Now we Normans know we are in the middle of an economy that no longer allows the shoemaker to buy the shoes he makes, but this is a war for the very souls of God's children. So I urge you to take out a third mortgage on your home, close out your retirement funds and strip your children of their college funds to join me in financing a campaign that will show America what true Hate is. We will hire the best and brightest ad men to make up irrelevant fiction that will sway the weak minded among us. Rejoice in Norman's name, and bring out your checkbooks. The commuter lane to heaven is marked by the number of zeros on our checks.

Yours in Salvation,
Otis Strunkmeyer,
Elder,
The Norman Church